Hiding behind these doors are in fact scenes of a hilarious sitcom that will make you think twice before hiring an attorney, or even worse (for those attorneys reading this), representing a defendant. Sit back, as you are not going to believe these stories ever took place in real life.
Three Blind Trucks
Being a thief is one thing, but being a stupid thief is another. We want to go back to the beginning. Why did this guy steal three trucks? Were they stolen all at once, or was this guy accused of theft three different times? Maybe he forgot one of them was stolen?
We wonder how this attorney reacted when he discovered this. And we wonder if the invoice presented to the guy was much higher than expected, bearing in mind he would be too stupid to notice.
The Facts of Life
We don't expect attorneys to know everything about the medical world. They are not supposed to know how to operate on a human body and not recognize every symptom of every illness.
What we expect of them is at least to remember the basic rules of life. When a person dies, he or she loses their memory; they are unable to feel anymore, occasionally they can't find their ability of verbal expression, and are unable to tell us all that's happened.
Being on probation can be hectic sometimes (we assume,) feeling there is always an eye watching you. After reading this, we understand why there's a probation period, and those convicted need some cooling time.
We suggest adding an appendix to every court order, asking to empty the pockets before arriving at court.
Under the Mask
Another perfect example to show how today's attorneys base their profession on Law & Order episodes. They feel that if they play the role of the cool, sophisticated, and handsome lawyer, they will reach success.
I wonder what the witness was thinking during those moments. He must have felt that the accused person was not the stupidest one in the room. Was that extra question really necessary?
Laws and regulations these days must be exact. Everything has to be detailed; there is no room for assumption or too many gray areas. Drinking alcohol has been regulated for years, and common sense plays an important role.
You mustn't drink and drive, which means you don't drink before driving either. You don't drink when on duty, meaning you don't arrive on duty after you've had a drink or two, thinking it would make the day look a bit better.
Divorce cases always leave a bitter taste. One of the sides seems to carry a need for revenge, just waiting for the day they can pull out their Ace.
This fellow should have made sure his ex at least joins him in his smoking session the previous night if he was planning on framing her. No brains, no worries.
All Around the Kids
We wonder if this attorney was the prosecutor or the defense attorney. What exactly are they aiming at? So the parent doesn't remember the exact age of the son. So they got confused with who is who and which is which—big deal.
The judge of this trial will surely understand and agree that when you have children, even if they are around you for a short period of time, it can sometimes feel that they are there all the time. Constantly. Without giving space.
Nose for Dinner
Not every accusation has to carry with it visual proof. Not every story must have tangible elements for completing the plot and convicting a crook.
In this specific case. We are not sure that a bitten-off nose in someone's mouth is sufficient for a final accusation. In today's world, there are many culinary behaviors that are not always easy to swallow.
How are Babies Conceived
When future attorneys study the secrets of law, we assume they are given a lesson or two on human behavior and human intelligence. But amidst all those heavy legal documents, perhaps some of them missed out on a few facts, some being, the simple facts of life.
This attorney wasn't able to tell the difference between present simple, present progressive, past present, and past simple. Plainly being simple.
Herbal medicines these days can refer to many types of plants and herbs. Basically, a cannabis plant can be confused with a flat-leaf parsley bush or a coriander and rosemary duo pot.
In this case, the accused messed up his defense by simply giving himself away. Always consult with your lawyer before running your mouth off.
Pick Up The Phone
Luckily, this was a child involved. If it were an adult, he would have known that all it would have taken is someone to call the number.
One thing is for sure; you have to know who you're representing. Maybe every child (or person) accused of theft should have to pass a polygraph test. That would certainly simplify things.
The Price is Right
When children are taught the ten commandments, they might want to give some examples and deeper definitions. Especially -Thou shalt not steal.
During her biblical studies, this girl obviously didn't understand that changing something's price without being asked to do so is practically stealing. Maybe in the juvenile detention center, they go over the commandments again.
We wonder if this attorney simply got confused with phrasing his question, or is he really that dumb.
It's like the old joke we all fell for. Let's say you're a bus driver. Ten passengers went on the bus; then three passengers went off it. What is the driver's name? We like a witness who speaks his mind.
What happens to an attorney, that is confronted with a situation that he cannot control. He knows it's either leaving the courtroom or bursting out with laughter and putting his license on the line.
Some people don't think before they answer. And some people are just shallow people.
Gender Free Circus
Our appearance is something that has scaled up to the top of our priority list as the years have gone by. We care about what we wear, how much we weigh, what we put on our faces, and what opinion others have on it.
Apparently, there are still some people out there who chose to invest their energy elsewhere. And don't care too much about how they look or what people have to say. A woman with a beard is something we are going to bump into more and more often.
Splish Splash on Camera
If you want to try and fool the system, the least you can do is analyze your surroundings beforehand. Make sure there isn't any CCTV around that might interfere with your plans.
Luckily enough, no customers slipped and injured themselves. This could have been hilarious—the fast-food restaurant owner ending up suing the clever employee for damage.
A European Ex
We know there are all kinds of families these days. Those with a mother and father, those with two mothers or two fathers, those with a step-parent or a shared parent, and the sky is the limit.
But going on a honeymoon with your ex-wife, or your future girlfriend, is the first we have heard of. We hope the old wife updates the new one on what is going on in Europe.
We had to read this over and over again before realizing there were no grammar mistakes. This question was actually presented by a real lawyer in a real court case to a real witness in front of a real judge.
Maybe if attorneys rephrase their questions and realize that most people on this planet did not graduate from law school, maybe then the court system would have a future. Even the other lawyer felt this was going a little bit too far.
Go Home Judge
Sometimes in life, you have to keep your thoughts to yourself. Saying the truth and volunteering useless information is not always to one's benefit. We know that a courtroom is a place where only the truth should be told. Even the judge knows that.
If we didn't know any better, this judge will be next on the defendant's chair.
The Kind of Kids
Sometimes the concept of "kids" is open to interpretation. After you get married (and sometimes before), many couples get a dog. Some are slightly more courageous, and they get a cat.
But at no stage whatsoever are these pets considered children. We can't think of anything else that would resemble actual kids!
Easter Bunny Watch Out
The young are divided into two: the ones who follow and the ones who lead. During our growing-up days, we learn lessons constantly, and many relate to the foundations of friendship.
How many times did your parent say: " And if he told you to jump off the roof, would you?" or " So he said you are stupid. Are you stupid? Do you think you are stupid? Does it matter if he thinks you're stupid? And this is regardless of the fact that you are indeed stupid.
Boys Who Like Girls Like Boys
Yet again, we bring before you those moments when we start to question the requirements for entering law school. They can't be that high if this attorney thought there was more to boys and girls when it came to children's gender.
If this was my attorney, and he would have asked this question, I would for sure ask for a new one. Definitely not a male or female. I still haven't decided which make.
Honesty is the Best Policy
When we first came across this one, we were sure it would end up covering the fact that the government takes most of this defendant's income through income tax and insurance; therefore, he couldn't afford an attorney.
However, it took a different angle, making honesty the best policy.
Let's Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
We wonder what the defendant felt when this attorney asked this question. He obviously couldn't afford to hire someone from a well-respected law firm, and he knew he was given a rough deal when this fellow of an attorney was appointed.
Yes, Mr. Attorney. They just continued going down and down. The minute you reached the basement, you were stuck in there for life. What on earth went through your mind when you asked this question?
Is That a Ten or a Twenty
This sounds more like a movie script or a joke. An attorney and a drug dealer meet in a bar. Maybe the attorney believed this drug dealer was innocent.
And maybe this attorney is as dumb as the drug dealer. We will probably never know.
NY Chicago Miami and More
Witnesses have to be treated like children. And the younger, the better. You have to lead them to the answers you want them to provide, making them fall into the trap without even noticing.
This is a classic example. If this witness had the slightest amount of intelligence needed to pass this cross-examination, they would have gone through all cities in the world, followed by refusing to answer the question.
Is Ignorance a Disability?
Once upon a time, job interviews weren't as limiting as they are today. Any question referring to the candidate's personal life could be asked freely, from their partner's income to their conception plans.
These days, you could go through the whole enrollment process without anyone knowing; you are over the age of 70 with no plans to extend the family. The least this employer could have done was not admit to being so ignorant.
We tend to believe that the judges and the attorneys (who studied for years and passed the bar exam) are intelligent, gifted, and the kind of people you would be happy to bring home to meet your parents.
This Attorney either had a bad night and came into court over-tired or was a criminal in disguise. We find it hard to believe this one actually graduated from law school.
Morals and Values
It is so heartwarming when the lawyers representing us don't hesitate to show how down-to-earth and connected they are to the people they represent, and how at the end of the day, we are all the same. No matter what profession you hold, we are all human beings.
Luckily enough, this witness did not lose his dignity and stuck with his morals and values.
Passive and Active
This next question, asked by a certain attorney, made us think. On the one hand, it is obvious he wasn't referring to that exact moment. At least they should have understood that, right?
On the other hand, where exactly was he trying to lead the witness? Yes, sir, I am active. I was active last night after a three-month period of being inactive. Before then, I was inactive for a while, followed by almost a year of full activeness. Does that answer your question, attorney?
Truth is What You Do Best
Attorneys just love it when honest witnesses are dished out to them. This next one shows how the attorney's work can be simplified so easily, with no effort at all.
Basically, all you need for a successful court case is one witness aware of their behavior and habits. No need for long stories, no need for visual elements. Only the truth, my lord. Only the truth.
All a Matter of Perspective
When convicted criminals share their regret in the courtroom, it can be heartbreaking. Everyone makes mistakes in life, but when you know the price you are about to pay for the mistake is going to be very high, you will do absolutely anything to soften the verdict.
Maybe the maximum punishment for stabbing should be altered according to the strength used when executing it. Harsh stabbing, medium stabbing, gentle stabbing, and I swear, the knife just slipped out of my hand kind of stabbing.
Another way of spending loads of money with no effort at all. File for a restraining order against your ex. Change your mind, and there you go—a double bubble attorney fee to pay. We want to know in which state this ridiculous law takes place.
Maybe they have regulated things this way, so people think very carefully before filing a restraining order, or maybe they just want people to be really broke.
Here's for judges being so narrow-minded and not believing in second (or third and fourth) chances. Firstly, how did this honorable judge know this dude would be back?
Secondly, the whole purpose of being an attorney is to make money. Attorneys don't really care about reputation. So the client's history is irrelevant. Bring in the client, tell me the story, and show me the money.
It's All About The Money
It perfectly makes sense. If you have loads of money, it doesn't really matter if you're to blame or not. You have to pay the bill. Some people actually think this way. Take a look at this:
Next time young lady, make sure you present those ER bills, or the 8K charges are not going to be the last thing you pay.
For The Country and the Land
We tend to believe the judicial system is based and formed on honesty, sincerity, and loyalty to the country and the land.
In this specific case, the lawyer didn't give any concerns about loyalty or honesty. All that mattered was getting the witness to admit they knew or recognized the defendant in the courtroom. A Great path the system is taking. Great path.
Let the Whole World Know
The list of reasons to divorce never ends from adultery to wanting different things, to adultery, and, yeah....adultery. It is almost impossible to look into your partner's eyes after knowing things you never wanted to know.
Luckily this witness has nourished her sense of humor, making the situation manageable. Adultery is the number one reason for divorce worldwide. It always has been and always will be, but if you learn to accept life and make a joke out of situations, we guarantee a life journey that is full of smiles and jokes that will go publicly (like this one.)
I Feel Like Chicken Tonight
There are a lot of things that go in the land of thieves. All we see is not all we get, as there is an underground city where you can trade goods for practically anything you want.
So next time you open your freezer and find a frozen chicken you forget existed, before preparing it for dinner, take it downtown. You never know what you might be able to exchange it with.
Lessons in Life
We are taught early in life that we must always take advantage of the situation. Those things happen for a reason, and if we are caught in an incident, we must try to see in advance what the lesson is and how on earth we are getting ourselves out of it.
We wonder what would have happened if the policeman who stopped this man for speeding would have asked for proof of his excuse.
When you think of the people that work for big law firms, you think of a collection of intelligent people who are there not only to make loads of money but also to protect and secure the law. Without them, anarchy would rule.
The least this attorney could have done was take the role all the way and appear in court as a pauper. We know a few landscapers with an income that wouldn't shame any high-class lawyer.
The Rear End of a Vehicle
If we go back in time and study the evolution of vehicles and transportation, we will realize that many years ago, what seems to have been considered only cattle played a significant role in transportation. Apparently, not only horses took us from A to B.
These days people find it hard to believe that cattle played the role of a vehicle? It has four legs, it can turn left and right, and it can crash into the car in front of you if it has to.
A Crown of a Bug
The year 2020 brought to us modern technology - big time. Forget sophisticated mobile phones, put aside computerized cars; we are referring to the one and only, the ZOOM.
Even after a long period of trying to manage this crown of a bug, many mature civilians, either your next-door neighbor or a supreme court lawyer, find difficulties operating it. Meow.
These Boots are Meant For Walking
One must prepare and go through a checklist before appearing in court. A change of underpants, small cash (maybe prisons still have those canteens to buy small snacks), and for heaven's sake, make sure you don't have on you anything you're charged for stealing.
We suppose this accused man will be serving time not only for robbing a house but for walking the streets as stupid as he is.
Raise Your Arm Up in the Air
Here is a typical example of how people waste public money and occupy expensive courtrooms. These rooms could be used for serious cases.
Maybe the lawyers should start examining their clients before even taking the case. Or maybe, just instruct them that if they are going to lie, the least they can do is lie properly.
This reminded us of an incident we came across, of someone reporting to the police his car being stolen, forgetting to mention that the car was full of illegal substances at the time it was taken.
People (especially mothers) always think that their kids are untouchable. That they would never do anything wrong. That McDonald's employee must have got things wrong, and the money that was intended to be stolen was going to charity later on that day. A real 21st Robin Hood classic case.
Private Lessons Before the Exam
Why don't they put a blackboard in every courtroom, with a list of high words no one understands except for lawyers and judges?
Next to each word, there would be a short definition and even a small example for those finding it hard to understand. This will make life easier (and safer) for everyone.
This could be a great scene in a daily sitcom when no one knows who the murderer is or a really bad scene on a police drama show when the policeman turns out to be really dumb for not reading the writing on the wall.
This guy basically gave the police an unsolved crime on a silver tray. These officers came back to the police station like two peacocks,
Service Cats to the Rescue
Exes of all kinds will go as far as the eye can see in the name of revenge. We have come across couples having joint custody over dogs, but cats? Who shares cats?
No one thought they were actually service animals. What service can a cat provide? Can a cat assist in crossing the road? We would love to see that.
My Kind of Gear
So for those who are reading this over and over without understanding the joke, we are here to explain. In British slang, gear can refer to equipment, clothing, and illegal substances. In this case, the witness is clearly referring to what he was wearing at the time.
The attorney, on the other hand, was asking how fast was the witness driving. Courtrooms these days should hold foreign language monitors so incidents like this can be avoided.
Still unsure who is dumber, the witness or the attorney? In this case, the witness might have tried to pull the string a bit too far although the attorney had this coming.
Maybe attorneys should have one or two classes before passing the bar, related to unspecific questions like this. He could have avoided the shame in a public courtroom if he would have rephrased it to "in what year were your born". Can't see the witness getting out of that one so easily.
When we watched "Law &Order," never did any witness give his testimony in writing. It was always verbally spoken, or oral as this attorney chose to define what he was asking for.
Though, to his defense (see? We can have fun with legal puns too), he might have meant that the witness can't use gestures like nodding or shaking his head. But really, did this witness think he was expected to answer the word oral after every question?
This is new to us too. We have all had urine tests done in the past (unrelated to courtrooms), but never in a million years did we think you had to actually be qualified to take one.
The witness must have felt really proud at the time as he had never been qualified for anything in his life before.
How Did It End?
Was this lawyer serious when asking a living witness if so and so had killed him? Cause we didn't really need the witness's answer to know the truth. We can assume the answer was NO.
If I were the witness I wouldn't have replied. This is pure abuse of their intelligence.
Know the Nose
"Not all people are the same. You should never assume. Never think that everyone thinks alike. And, for sure, don't think that just because you have one nose everyone else does," said the lawyer to the witness.
Or in other words (from us to the super-intelligent lawyer), go back to biology lessons and go through the human organs once more. You have forgotten a fact or two.
This couple went through a rough episode and found themselves in hospital. The husband woke up after being in a coma and didn't know where he was. If that wasn't enough, he managed to immensely upset his wife.
It doesn't take much to make your partner happy. Remember her birthday, remember your anniversary, and for God's sake, remember her name.
Can You Tell the Difference?
Well, it doesn't really take a genius to figure this one out. There are a few minor differences between a living person and one whose life has ended.
Firstly a living person breathes, which is unlikely to witness in a person who has passed. And mostly, a living person has a functioning brain, unlike some attorneys we know.
First, Second, or Third Name
Some people think attorneys and jury members were born yesterday. We think some witnesses were born less than a minute ago by the look of it. How pathetic can one turn out to be in a full courtroom?
We can imagine the work exchange between the defendant and the officer at the time of the arrest. The defendant sitting behind the wheel, arguing that he wasn't driving. Trust us, not all witnesses are as useless as this one.
The Life After
This Lawyer is obviously aware of life after death and of the spiritual gifts people have, privileging them with the ability to communicate and connect with those who have passed.
The poor witness had no idea what the attorney was going on about and remained speechless. He took the 'you have the right to remain silent' issue all the way.
Time to Leave
Some dude found himself in a very unpleasant situation. A shop was burgled and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Next thing, he found himself in front of a very particular lawyer.
The worst thing about these kinds of situations is that lawyers tend to make others feel stupid when, in fact, they are the stupid ones out of the lot.
Face to the Future
Some people are optimistic, looking ahead into a bright future and always focusing on the fuller half of the cup. Even when they appear in a courtroom and are asked about incidents that have happened in the past, they can't help themselves.
This guy, for example, found it very difficult to answer the attorney's questions given the fact that the literal "whole of his life" hasn't been completed yet. What an optimistic lad.
Four Times Too Many
Attempted, your honor, attempted. Slightly different phrases we must add. Maybe this lawyer has to refresh his memory to better understand the results of things that happen and things that almost happen.
We find it hard to believe the witness would have been sitting there telling the story of any following attempt should his first one prove successful.
Yes He Was
So let us get the facts right. This guy was somewhere, he was doing whatever and then he went home and died. Now, correct us if we're wrong, but usually, people who died tend to stay dead. And if they don't, they mostly get a career in starting new religions. Either that or they start a zombie apocalypse.
So since no one has heard of this resurrected guy, this sounds like a question that the lawyer didn't need the witness to answer this question.
This is for all the lawyers out there. God didn't create the human species in a form of lawyers, and then created the rest of humankind in another manner.
All people, with no difference in gender, color, or faith, have their heads screwed onto their necks.
Blow My Horn
Oh, what a treat of a witness. The lawyer is not interested in what you did and what musical instrument you played as a kid. All questions are related to the reason you were called to witness in the first place.
And just out of curiosity, which school was that? We are thinking of sending our kid.
Never Seen Before
So, this guy has never seen the thing, it was never by his side at any point in time. He doesn't recall ever witnessing it and never glimpse at it. What part didn't the attorney understand?
Are these people sure they have brought the right witness in? In our eyes, they are going to find it very difficult to prove anything if they carry on like this.